The Seasons Never Stay The Same

Yesterday was yesterday, and today I'm feeling glum. I had a dream last night about my older son, dindin, that left me feeling a sense of loss so keen this morning that the effects of it physically hurt me. In my dream, I lost him. It wasn't the kind of losing someone that is in a big crowd or something, it's the kind of loss like in which I forgot that he was with me, turned around when I thought about it and realized it's been months since I seen him last and have no idea where he could be now. I woke up very upset and wondering what kind of mother I am. Regardless that it was a dream....it breaks my heart.

Oh, Wouldn't it be Lovely?

I feel bad that I haven't updated in a while. It's not like it's life important or anything, but it is nice to get my thoughts and doings out there. The faceless audience that hides in the shadows of other nonfollowers makes me think silly thoughts about the lot of you. Crazy peoples.

It's my turn for the crown please

I grieve and dare not show my discontent,
I love and yet am forced to seem to hate,
I do, yet dare not say I ever meant,
I seem stark mute but inwardly do prate.I am and not, I freeze and yet am burned,
Since from myself another self I turned.

Thoughts, Secrets, and a little Bitterness

Ah, I have been working nonstop recently, and I love it. My legs are hating me at the moment though, because apparently I have been too inactive for too long, I get some swelling with water in them through my shift. Now it is about two weeks into working here, and it's finally stopped. I'm still careful though, I drink water throughout my entire shift and eat very little salt the same day I'm working.

Whit's fur ye'll no go by ye!

Jamie, my dear Jamie. You've went and left me and now I'm holding onto only one in my small family to remember I am apart of them.

Updates

I updated a few of my other pages, since I only just now realized I've been paying too much attention to one section of my life and not adding in anything about the others.

The way you move

The dance that we share our souls to is so complex. One moment I am spinning in his arms feeling out of control, another he is dipping me to the floor as everyone watches and see's me as the accessory on his arm, and sometimes we are so close and peering into each others eyes that we are the only ones there.

The day full of sadness

Who knew that today we would look back at tomorrow and laugh? Who knew that we could cry so much?

"If you Forget me" By Pablo Neruda

I want you to know
one thing.

Diamonds and Complaints

The more facets the diamond has, the more brilliant the shine. I can say...I have too many facets to my personality though I'm sure the overall effect can be more gaudy than beautiful.

My dear friend Will...how you speak so clearly

Your love and pity doth th' impression fill
Which vulgar scandal stamped upon my brow;
For what care I who calls me well or ill,
So you o'ergreen my bad, my good allow?
You are my all the world, and I must strive
To know my shames and praises from your tongue;
None else to me, nor I to none alive,
That my steeled sense or changes, right or wrong.
In so profound abysm I throw all care
Of others' voices that my adder's sense
To critic and to flatterer stoppèd are.
Mark how with my neglect I do dispense.
You are so strongly in my purpose bred,
That all the world besides, methinks, are dead.
~William Shakespeare

Two wrongs do not make a right

“Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.” ~Oscar Wilde

The Birthday Mirror

I am turning 30 this week. As I move closer to the day I am remembering everything I thought I would be doing now, and what I am happy to not be doing instead.

My defensive position

I'm getting a little aggravated today with all the Obama hate. Poor guy looks like he's aged 50 years and despite everything he's done for us, people still always find a reason to complain. Sounds like the majority lately, biting the hand that feeds you.

The road with no end

I get so tired and unhappy with myself for trying so hard sometimes. I am constantly on the lookout for advice, for words of encouragement, trying to follow my heart and do what I know is right....sometimes also doing what is not.

mini celebration for vacation!

I'm having this idea in my head for a mini vacation soon. I can't seem to shake it loose and the more it creeps up and presents itself to me randomly, the more excited I am getting at the simple prospect of it.

Two peas in a pod

Juju has decided that he likes my lover very much. He has decided that anything he does is considered not only hilarious but also exactly what he wants to repeat the remainder of the day. My little heart needs so badly someone to look up to, and in all honesty I am most happy it is him.

Yes I love/hate you

Why I feel it is appropriate to quote such a depressing yet moving poem, I've no idea. I only know that, whoever wrote this had truly accepted their fate as far as loving their other half. Me? I fight with mine on a daily basis :) just kidding....I try not to go against my own grain.

Perfection in your Reflection

I take him in with my keen eyes, he gazes down at me adoringly.."you smell wonderful...."
"oh yeah? Like what?"
"Like beauty"

Sweet Dreams

I had the strangest dream last night, and though when I woke up I knew it was a nightmare, it stayed with me for hours after. Normally when I wake up the first few thoughts in my mind are not those of a nightmare I had earlier in the morning, but it's attached itself to me today like a lonely leech.

A Party? Am I invited?!?

I have to admit that being back the feeling in the air is quite different, and a number of things have changed. It's almost like he decided to finally wake up from the dream he was having and see clearly what was in front of him. I'm happy and sad, yesterday I found myself having difficulties to shake the memory of the despair I felt the day I left.

The road that led me back to you..

I have wanted to post an update for a few days now, but have not found the right words to convey the feelings in my heart. It has been one week since I left my home and was carelessly moved aside, today I write again from my home and I will fill you in the details of why that is.

The confusion of a waking nightmare

I've been walking around in between some kind of dream in which there is no real escape. I can't hide the fact that my heart is so crushed I feel like I might just disappear at any moment. I smile through tears anyhow, though everyone around me feels the deepness of my despair, they only try to surround themselves around me in hopes to lessen it.

Blindsided, the end of you and me

So let me tell you about what happened yesterday. I was blindsided completely. I sit her.e, knowing some of the things going on in my previous relationship but not for once doubted my ex lovers loyalty to me, shows how wrong I apparently was...

Some love

Since my last post was beyond dreary, I'm adding some love to my blog now also. Please enjoy another one of my favorite works by e.e. cummings.

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

if wishes were horses, we'd all ride

What does it take to be in a relationship? Does it take alot of faith? Trust? Sacrifice? Is it a matter of who rules over who or who makes more money? Does it come with unspoken rules? Are there territorial boundaries? Is there really any right and wrong when it comes to a fight?

some beautiful words

Today I will not write about my weekend, because I was in such turmoil that thinking about it now only gives me stress. Instead, I will post an absolutely beautiful poem by Pablo Neruda.

If you were me, you would think differently

It's easy to place blame on other people when you look at their lives and think to yourself "I could've done it better" but really....could you? I know from my time spent in China I got alot of mixed reactions when I returned home. Some thinking I'm weak willed and one of those women that love to be abused, and others thinking that I'm the bravest person they've ever met. I can guarantee without a doubt, I did the best possible thing at the best possible time to do it. Don't judge what you have absolutely no idea about.

Oh no he didn't...

Why is it women are so much more forgiving than men when caught in a lie? I found myself in the same situation recently, and asked for my mates response. Unsurprisingly, he stated that he'd have been much worse than I was being at that moment. With a cool head, I walked away from it and let myself consider the outcome.

Comfort Foods....mmmmm

Arancini is a italian (sicilian specifically I think) dish that is balls of rice formed around a lovely mixture of meat and seasonings. Everybody I've ever met makes theirs differently including myself. Don't get me wrong, I love the ones you can get in any brooklyn pizzaria just fine, but at home I want something that is all my own. I'm sending my lover to work tomorrow with a cache of these tasty little treats (yes, I make mine smaller because I have tiny hands and prefer them this way), hopefully he will save some for lunch the next day as well.

I'm going to post my own recipe here, but I encourage everyone to make these their own way.

Come any closer...and I will hit you with the bat in my car....

A friend of mine phoned me a few minutes ago to tell me that a bum on the corner made her think of me. I'm flattered!! No :) Truth behind this is kinda funny though I'm sure some people might find it slightly offensive.

Bums freak me out. I mean...they totally just irk me. Whenever I'm rolling up to a stop light or sign and I see one, I lock my doors and start fiddling with the imaginary thing in my seat so I don't have to look at them. My lover thinks this it's hilarious that I get so worked up over corner bums.

Stranger things have happened...

Women like to confuse jealousy with feelings of love when it comes to men, however I think there is more to the emotion than anyone realizes. I haven't seen my lover jealous in some time so it rather surprised me when it came to topic last night over our lovely dinner of chicken marsala. It got me thinking late into the night about what it actually is and where it comes from.

Where did I go?

Sometime in the past few months I've managed to elude myself. I don't know if I got tired and left, or if maybe I'm there and just hiding, snickering while I desperately search for something I've lost. Whatever the reason, I just feel down.