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Thursday, February 10, 2011

if wishes were horses, we'd all ride

What does it take to be in a relationship? Does it take alot of faith? Trust? Sacrifice? Is it a matter of who rules over who or who makes more money? Does it come with unspoken rules? Are there territorial boundaries? Is there really any right and wrong when it comes to a fight?



I can't answer any of these straight because I myself seem to be confused over the grey lines from those that are the bold ones. I'm not sure if I'm in the right letting one of us take control and I don't know if it's right or not right to sacrifice and then expect the same of the other person. There has to be a compromise somewhere, a meeting of the middle and not a see saw effect that leaves one side completely up in the air while the other is solidly on the ground.

I think it is however, important to know that you as a part of the relationship are half of what is. You are important, you are the partner. Anything can be solved if two work together on it right? But if someone tells the other that they just have to accept how it is and that there is no compromise...is it right? Is it right if it's about children or family? Those are fine lines that I think nobody has a real answer for, because maybe these are always on a case by case basis.

I only know this, I want my own space, I want space together, and I want us to agree to come to an understanding. Sometimes it won't work out best for one of us, sometimes it will work out better, but the fact that there is a talk, and some concern revealed shows the importance of what's at stake. I want to know that I'm not just an option, but a preferred choice that he made, not that I'm making for him. I don't want to be easily cast off, I want to be worth fighting for.

"how can you ask me that when you know the answer"..I wouldn't be asking if it was clear now would I? I don't need to be reassured, but I do need to be shown by actions, by words, by being loved. I wouldn't have to ask if he would not have said to me that everything we both have talked, shared, and dreamed of wasn't true and that it was never his idea to do any of those (when he proposed quite a few on his own to me). I would not have asked if he didn't turn face and then tell me I didn't matter. I would not wonder period if everytime we argue, he makes sure the first thing that is pointed out is how unimportant I really am.

Now you may wonder, given this last bit why I would stay in a relationship. Because that's called arguing. We say things we don't mean, words that hurt, insults sometimes and later what's important is to come back and say I'm sorry and let each other know that they were just that...words of anger meant to hurt at the moment. The problem is, I don't really think he understands that being labeled 3rd in everything and always having to take a backseat and say nothing hurts worse.

I don't like anyone lying on me either. It breaks my heart to know that he would believe someone else over me, when he was here the entire time seeing what happened. I have only ever raised my voice twice and I will fully admit to having done so if questioned. When I am guilty, I feel it is neccessary to make that clear so that I can make amends. But shouldn't there be some kind of faith in there also? Does he not see what is going on? That I keep to myself, just like he told me to do and now again it's my fault that the result is the same? Why? Maybe it is the insitgator instead? Ever consider that? Ever consider that when nothing is going on, he will always make sure something else is to get attention? Oh I make him feel bad, rest assured...the feeling is entirely mutual. I stress so much from holding everything in when I'm supposed to be getting it out that my hair is thinning, I can't sleep at night, and I vomit every time something little happens. Who really seems to be worse off here? It never changes though, no matter what breakthroughs he thinks he can manage, it never changes. Everything still remains the same. Everything is always put on me to deal with and to accept, as if my own feelings and the simple fact that I live here matters not at all.

I'm tired though. I'm more tired than anyone can imagine. I want someone that will be my best friend and maybe when I cry, they will hold me. Someone that will always have my back, someone that won't lie to me, someone that will embrace my family as I have embraced theirs (it's not fair to ask for what you can't give yourself, and I have by far put out the majority of the effort and involvement), someone that will grab my hand if they get out of control with their words and not let me walk out the door, because it was their mistake....not tell me he will drive me wherever I want to go. Someone that will plan a future with me, not tell me that we never know what happens tomorrow, so we'll wait until then. Someone that I can look at and know without a doubt that I am just as important to them as they are to me, and do whatever it takes to stick together.

I want to see all my efforts pay off, I really do...but even if I waited and waited there would never be any assurance that they would, nor would leaving resolve any of what I put into this. Maybe I'm just angry right now and incredibly upset blabbering nonsense, and maybe I'm speaking more truth than I care to admit.


"I grieve and dare not show my discontent,
I love and yet am forced to seem to hate,
I do, yet dare not say I ever meant,
I seem stark mute but inwardly do prate.
    I am and not, I freeze and yet am burned,
    Since from myself another self I turned."
 
~On Monsieur’s Departure By Queen Elizabeth I

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