The Birthday Mirror

I am turning 30 this week. As I move closer to the day I am remembering everything I thought I would be doing now, and what I am happy to not be doing instead.



There is no real celebration however. I have not been forgotten merely set aside for other things. I am not sure that I feel too bad about this. Ever since I was 24, I would always say on my birthday when my friends would suggest wild things "that's something I'm doing on my 30th!", however now that it is upon me I want nothing more than something small and memorable. Something that will mean something to me later.

This year has been much about reflection for me. I have come to realize that, while my mother drives me insane and does things that I will never agree with..I want to spend more and more time with her. I want to talk to her, do things with her, keep her as close to my heart as my dearest friend. We are too much alike and too different to feed any gap between us, more so bouncing off of each other like a paddle ball only to come right back and hit the target again and again. I have found my mother so deeply sewn into the folds of my heart that I can only appreciate her now.

My children will always come first for me, even if I have to swallow my misery in order for it to be. I will bite my tounge always and agree to things that will bother me, so that their life can be fair and happy. I will not take for granted the precious moments I have with them, and I will do everything in my power in order to keep them with me. It is funny how easy it is to never realize fully how lucky a person is to have children born with them and always have them close by, when it is so easy to lose them and be able to do nothing about it. I will fight for both of my children, whether it be with the family, or their dr's.

If I am not honest with myself about what I truly want, how can I truly expect anyone else to simply know? I know the times when I have to give in, but I also know I will not always do so. My heart is not made of stone, though my face may have the look of it. I have long ago stopped practicing the art of sharing my feelings with others, but again..I am teaching myself to do so.

I have been fighting against change instead of going along with it. I have always easily adapted to change until I found just what I wanted, and then when things tried to change again I attempted to repel it making everything only that much more difficult for myself. Maybe in trying to stop what was happening, I also stopped the things that I wanted to happen. It is a vicious circle, but something I can accept as it is.

I am grateful for the things that I have. Of course I wish I had more, that is easy to do..but whenever I feel sad about not having the bigger house or luxury car...I humble myself in knowing that I have everything I really need. I am grateful to my mother for being the super saving donation taking woman she is, without which...the past year in this recession would have surely broken me. I am happy to have the knowledge and experience to make a home really work, and run efficiently no matter what the financial status is. I am happy to take none of this for granted.

So, in turning 30 I am a little sad to give up my ignorance. My body and mind is that of a woman, but my heart is now and always be that of a youth. This day of non celebration is not going to be spent being unhappy that I didn't have the big party or presents, but remembering that I have everything in the world to be thankful for, especially that I have finally come to understand myself and those around me with eyes seeing their hearts clearly. So maybe for my birthday, I will wish that they can see mine just as easily now.