Whit's fur ye'll no go by ye!

Jamie, my dear Jamie. You've went and left me and now I'm holding onto only one in my small family to remember I am apart of them.



I should've written this earlier this week, but I'll bring my good news towards the end of this.

My beloved Jamie has left me. My cousin was found dead in his apartment last weekend. They're guessing an overdose of some sort but as of the moment nobody truly knows. He had just returned from rehab not a month prior, battling a severe heroine addiction and a saddness that nobody really understood him. I did, I always have. I've seen him at his low points, I've been there during his high ones. I still loved him all the same. In my very cold natured family, he was the closest person to me left aside from my other cousin...whom disappears more often then I do off of everyones radar.

I haven't spoken with him in about 6 months, and our last conversation was a plan for him to come and visit me for a while. I knew something was bothering him alot, and I knew what it was. I had hoped he'd check himself into a rehab here and just get away from all of those memories there. He knew I'd support him in this, he knew I would not look the other way when he dropped to the bottom. After the phonecall, I knew his feelings were in turmoil. I know he felt so lowly to have called me and said those things, acted so desperate, and despite him knowing that it will never affect how I see him or how close we are, he couldn't call me back for a while. I fully expected him to do so if he didn't get the courage up to go along with his plan in at least a month or two.

Problem was, my phone was shut off and I decided to rely on my house phone, which he did not have the number for period. I don't know why he didn't have it, I suppose maybe because I never used it and had not really considered giving it to anyone. Anyhow, our last conversation I had bugged him about getting a facebook, and he finally did after his stint in rehab. He was trying to get in touch with all of his old friends and people to help steer him right. Whether he decided to use again or otherwise....I don't know. I've never been addicted to anything like that and despite my own time spent at a depression clinic and meeting a few people that needed help to battle their own heroine addiction (if I were in Hollywood, I'd have been in a great place, but they kinda just grouped everyone together here, and quite honestly the treatment was crap...I checked out after three days and just went to a therapist). I have to admit I couldn't understand it, though I could meet them on their own level of feelings. I wonder if that is exactly what he went through. He knew about my time there, he knew about what I remembered about those people. I suppose that is why he also went to one.

Anyhow, my dear Jamie has left me. I think about him every day now. There will be no more calls out of the blue and getting to finally get all of this off of my chest and not worrying on the burden of it affecting the way he thinks of me, and vice versa, hearing him unburden himself to me. No now, my juju will never get to meet the man responsible for his safety. I will never again find that comfort I found surrounding him. My family is too small, my loved ones to turn to is almost nonexistant.

Alright so, my reasons for not writing sooner is because I finally got a job. I'm so thankful to finally be doing something about our situation. I'm thrilled to be making money. I'm tired, I'm sore, and I'm already loathe to approach the place where I do all of this but it's all in a good way, because it's a means to end our current crisis. I'm having to cut this short now actually, because I have to get ready to go to work. I'm happy to say that :)