Yesterday was yesterday, and today I'm feeling glum. I had a dream last night about my older son, dindin, that left me feeling a sense of loss so keen this morning that the effects of it physically hurt me. In my dream, I lost him. It wasn't the kind of losing someone that is in a big crowd or something, it's the kind of loss like in which I forgot that he was with me, turned around when I thought about it and realized it's been months since I seen him last and have no idea where he could be now. I woke up very upset and wondering what kind of mother I am. Regardless that it was a dream....it breaks my heart.
Not only that but my lover has been mean to me the past few days. He tends to get jealous about things sometimes, and that's fine...but sometimes he lets it eat him up inside. He carries it with him like a sacred object and lets it destory parts of our relationship when it comes back outside to haunt us. He'll stay mad at me for days on end and let this simmer in his mind, which of course...leaves me incredibly lonely without my best friend and companion.
My one deepest desire is security above all things. I wish I could say that he makes me feel entirely safe but he doesn't. We have days and weeks that we'll go feeling nothing could shake us, nothing could ever disrupt the perfect harmony of things, and then one small thing will happen and it blows up into alot of insecurity and mistrust. It's a back and forth ride of terror and bliss that is outright causing me more stress than everything else in my life combined. I love him deeply though, and despite the things he puts me through, I'm not ready to just let that go. I'm way to damn stubborn to ever do what's best for me, I do exactly what I want instead.
I'm currently reading a book that makes me think of him sometimes. The husband in the book is insanely jealous, but he only shows it sometimes. It dives into his thoughts here and there about how he will buy jewels for his wife to lay ownership to her, so he has her wear them often not because he loves to make her happy, but because he wants everyone else in the world to know he's branded her his own property. I'm not saying my lover acts like this or he does this, but there are parts where he's thinking to himself about his jealousy and how deeply it runs, and these are the times where I know I'm reading something that is reflecting my dearest. He's back and forth himself though, one minute being so tightly wrapped up in me I feel I'm stiffling, and others being so unconcerned I'm not sure where I went wrong in his disregard for my feelings and being in general.
Sometimes I just don't know what to do. Maybe I should withraw back into myself permanently. Maybe I should just keep laying myself out to the mercy of his everchanging moods. There is nobody that I can ever show my true self to, there is never a time that I can ever feel completely safe. I frequently go back and forth in my own mind about whether I should trust a time to being like a season and gone in a moment.
Whatever the thought, the fact is that I feel it's like a rising crescendo reaching it's peak soon. Either way, I'm going to go through darkness and light to find my way, that much I am sure of.
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