There was much drama on Monday this past week in which his dad was quite ill and I rushed here under the assumption that I was coming to take his father to the hospital. He had just learned he was a diabetic and has not taken very keenly to his new diet trying to waylay the natural course of events that follow when you eat a bag of cookies instead of avoiding sugar all together. So upon his initial panicked call I got up, got dressed, and got here. My lover and I argued about my coming of course but agreed at some point to stick it out for the night and make the best of it. He was not supposed to be off from work and here until much later, but the way things happened was quite the opposite. I got here much later than I had hoped and my lover had gotten off much earlier than planned, so we arrived at the same time. I never took his dad to the hospital though I tried to convince him to go. Instead my lover took me out to eat for Valentines day and we spent the night together trying to forget everything that had happened between us.
The following day, he texts me to tell me that he feels he has made a mistake in letting me go. I'm used to his stubborn nature, I'm used to his rash decisions, but I'm not used to having my heart broken on a whim. He wants to try to work things out between us, I agree to try.
I did not return after that, because I have had many things to do since I left such as putting my own life back together. I do believe that in him seeing I could do it he must have had an epiphany about what exactly he wanted in his own life. The next day he called me and told me he didn't want any of this anymore, that he was sorry and wanted me to come back. I made the arrangements to see him again and have a talk. My lover is one of the most stubborn men I have ever known, but he has never been one to say something that he does not mean. This has been more than harsh at times because I could ask him something like...whether he would love me in a few years or not and his reply would always be that we would wait until then to see because he could not promise me that things would not happen in between that point and now to break up our love. But flat out, he was the most upset I had ever seen him. He had broken down. He told me he wanted to marry me, and that there would never be another time in his life he would break up with me or leave me. This is not a man to say things like this when the future is uncertain, but to him it is certain that he does not want to be without me. I have accepted this fact long ago and have used the strength in that knowledge to get me through every arguement since. Despite how much sometimes I may hate him or the things we argue about, in the end there is only one person that I love to this point and that is for sure...him. I can't go into all the details of the talk because I feel like I'm giving something more personal away that I want to keep to myself, but I will say that his sincerity was pure and that when he looks at me now it is very plain in his eyes that he has woken up from his own selfish dream.
I can't promise what the future holds, but I can hope and plan for the things that I want regardless. I'm happy to say that now he is as well, with me. I have been home for all of one day and have worked to put our lives back together. It will be a process I'm sure, as many of the things he appologized for are not things that are easy to change about a person. I have not felt that he should change certain things about himself, but I have asked for him to try to not be so selfish, and not to ask for something he himself cannot give in return. I will stick to this because this is what I want, and I don't feel him changing core things about himself will help anything at all other than bringing resentment into our future.
We still have one major thing to go through though, and it is something we touched lightly last night and this morning. He knows how I feel, but I don't think he's found a way to deal with it himself. He struggles with his own emotions inside in a battle I cannot keep him from, nor be apart of. I can only stand by and watch as he fights to the death to be the better person and accept unchangable facts. His own inner turmoil bothers me greatly, and my inability to do nothing for him hurts me. I just know that, this one thing he is fighting with is most definitely a life altering fact. One that if he cannot accept it...I myself will walk from this and never look back.
Guilt will eat a person alive if you do not find a way to accept things for how they are.
A poem to encase my thoughts
The Road Not taken
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
~ Robert Frost
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