“Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.” ~Oscar Wilde
The week has been strange and fulfilling. I woke up Saturday morning to a banging at the door. At first I was not sure whether I had heard exactly a quick banging or whether I was just woken up by the noises of our house until the fog of my early day mind cleared and I accepted the fact that I had indeed heard it despite that while processing all of this I had heard no further banging. I slowly got myself up out of bed, which I have to do carefully as I am never the most graceful person you will meet in the mornings and will generally run into at least two things on my way to the bathroom, and made my way into the living room to peek through the blinds. I'm absolutely terrified of dealing with the jehovahs witnesses here lately, as they've become much more pushy and uncaring of my own views with each visit. I can see no evidence of anyone there or having been there at my door, so I decide that I was after all, still dreaming when I heard this banging.
I begin my morning rituals of bathroom and coffee, and as the aroma is just beginning to spread through the kitchen like soft velvet I open to door to call in the cat when I notice the Fed Ex package inside of the screen. Curious and slightly wary that it is addressed to me, I open it. Inside is a check from a charity for a tidy sum of money. Naturally, I'm stumped. I know exactly why I need this money right then and there but the how is what dulls my clearing mind once more. I google the people, call the bank, and do all of my checking only to find out it is 100% real. Who would do such a nice thing for me? Aside from God having heard my prayers, I realize that this has to be done by someone calling them directly. My hero is yet to be named at this point.
So, upon getting this we can now make two things happen for us. Number one, MOVE. Moving is most important I think. Once we move we will be much closer to juju's school and my mothers house as well as all of his dr's. I can easily get him to and from school and not spend hours driving to the many dr appointments that we have, and I can also shorten the time that he is with my mother and let motherhood selfishly take over my burning heart. When juju is not here, I'm vastly depressed. It is his smile, his bathtime singing, and the warm softness of his hands that rub over mine that I dream of when we are seperated...and now we never have to be (though...I will have to let him go to see his grandmother, he absolutely adores her and I know would be more than angry with me if I kept them apart....as well as her...). Number two, get a car to get back and forth to all of those appointments and his school, as well as work. I would no longer have to rely on my lovers transportation and schedule to be able to have my own set of hours. It is freedom in a worked way, though in everything that it stands for is my dearest wish.
So today, we go to look for rental properties. My lover has his two standards, and I have quite a few more. Between all of ours we can make a list.
#1 place must be newer and cleaner (his, as well as mine)
#2 close to my lovers work (his, as well as mine)
#3 3 br at least (mine, because I understand the importance of the kids (4 total though only 3 will be in the spaces at different times) having seperate spaces as well as the fact that we will have family visiting)
#4 all on the main level, unless the stairs are very wide and few (mine, juju is afterall wheelchair bound and could easily seriously hurt himself on stairs...which no matter what we use to keep him off of will NOT always work, nor do I care to limit his mobility because of the many trips I'd have to make carrying him up and down the stairs)
#5 a yard (mine, but I think his also. We both have children afterall who love to go outdoors. I need a place to sunbathe and both of us would like to have a place to put a grill and maybe sometimes have company to eat with us)
It was not a long list thankfully, but we both put what we wanted so our search today was to find something that fit those 5 demands. I would never rent a place that didn't meet his demands, because that would be unfair and naturally I'd expect the same. We had about 6 places on our list.
The first one did not pan out at all. It had some new things in it but the floor was awful and one of those dried out wood types that are impossible to clean and expensive to wax running throughout the house. Since my son does spend 100% of his time in the floor when he is not in his wheelchair the thought of all that dirt underneath him kinda scares me..especially with his ostomy. Aside from that...the thought of all the extra effort in cleaning and waxing feels heavy on my heart. I had high hopes for this place that boasted of a large backyard. That itself turned out to be only a small square filled with pine needles and mole filled tunnels. Absolutely no sun touched it nor grass, and the thought of ticks cancelled that out right then. It was pretty close to my lovers work and the area was not that bad, but it didn't quite meet #1 or #5 on that list.
The second property we went to was suggested by one of his coworkers. Right off the bat I told my lover it would not be possible, because it had stairs, and only two bedrooms. He agreed and said we would look at it anyhow and if nothing else turned up we could consider it. I should have known at that point he had made up his mind before even seeing the place. I'll admit, it was extremely clean and new, but the extremely narrow and high stairs gave me a chill that has stayed with me through the day. I can just see my son tumbling down them...and for that matter both of his also (they tend to fight constantly and run everywhere they go). Every single room was small and it only had two bedrooms. I could not really see how Juju and my lovers sons could share this small space and not be in each others things without fighting. When dindin comes also...there is no way, his visiting children would either be put out of a room or mine. It would not be possible. Last thing I noted about this place was that it was directly in front of his single and wild coworkers bachelor pad. That in itself puts me off highly. I do not want my fiancee spending all of his extra time off of work at a single mans house up to no good....I just do not. I could easily see it happening though.
After leaving here we set the gps to go to the next destination, which would in fact have to be a drive by since the woman could not get out to show it (at the same time this is not so bad, it helps us to elimate places that are not in the right are (but are on the map) and have no yard as well as the area being somewhat nice). My lover becomes angry and petulant because we will not get this place. He has made up his mind that this is the best option for us and that we are making a mistake by not immediately moving into it despite the stairs that I will have nightmares of for months to come. I try to reason with him that it did not fit the rest of what was on the list and he seems not to care, only selfishly noting that his two demands were most important and that mine are not so. Of course we argue and he has to immediately make me repeat my goals this year of fully moving juju into our home and of my taking him to school. So, like an ass he calls me a liar and tells me I do not want my son. How do you go and change that?
I've been more than angry ever since..and I cannot unwrap my mind around this comment made in anger. How can he be so selfish as to completely disregard what is important to me also? For someone that should know me through and through, as well as my dreams, fears, and troubles it surprises me that he could be like this. He knows perfectly well of my situation with my mother and what I dream of inside this year. Does it matter? It feels that again I am put to the bottom of this list.
I can see that perhaps later he will realize his error in all of this, but for me getting over that one bit is not something I'm so apt to do right now. I keep wanting to strike out at him now and I feel I hate him. In general I'm just trying to say nothing to him period because unlike him, I do not feel that petty comments made in anger will do anything for me at all except hurt him when I would much prefer to solve the problem between us instead. And not just that...I mean I am pretty angry still about how easily he just forgot about my very important things on that list also. It was all supposed to be about us, not just him.
I cannot even begin to talk to him until he at the very least appologizes, but truth be told...the longer it takes him to do so the less likely I will forgive and forget. There is no threat in that, it is exactly how I am. Where is the sincerity of a person that has waited until the last minute to fix something? There is none, that is nothing but laziness and selfishness.
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