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Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Sweet Dreams

I had the strangest dream last night, and though when I woke up I knew it was a nightmare, it stayed with me for hours after. Normally when I wake up the first few thoughts in my mind are not those of a nightmare I had earlier in the morning, but it's attached itself to me today like a lonely leech.



It began with being in a hotel room. I was really confused how I even got there in the first place and why this hotel room had so many rooms, almost like I knew something wasn't right but not hinting enough at the dreamlike state. I began to wander from room to room and noticed both of my children were watching tv in one of the bedrooms at the far end. It seemed much lighter on this side and though I was speaking to both of them, neither payed me any attention. So, I told them to stay put and made my way over to the darker side of the suite.

I carefully peeked around an open door that seemed to have alot of air flow. I noted first the balcony doors open and the curtains blowing in the night wind. The bathroom light was on and it cast a slight glow off of my ex lying on the opposite rooms bed. I went and started to try to wake him up, I was really leery of what he was doing there but then I noticed that he would not wake up at all, that he had been doing drugs and was passed out cold. For the record my ex does not do drugs nor would he ever let himself to be near them as his personality is more that of a member of M.A.D.D.

I backed away frightened by the sudden prospect of my children being so close to their inebriated role model of a father into the adjoining room with the open balcony. Nothing was right here, and for that matter any moment either one of my young children could have wandered out onto the balcony itself only to fall to their own demise. I stood looking through the open door and noticed a table with a note on it next to it. It was a suicide note from one of my friends mothers. I've always loved this woman as if she were apart of my own family, having the deepest respect for her and her beliefs. It stated that if I found this letter then she had commited suicide and that I was to look for her body because at the moment she was not sure how she was going to do it but that she just had to right then. I froze, I was absolutely terrified. So much death and negative things so close to my children only a few yards away basking in the light of a television playing old non violent cartoons. Innocence at it's most beautiful stage tainted by the blackness that was close by. I couldn't move to do anything after, and I was scared to see her body. My last thought was that she had jumped off the balcony herself and I was glad I didn't go out to see.

I've no idea what it means and was reluctant to share it with my lover this morning. The day before I shared my nightmare of being called by the devil himself and felt weird about it all day after. I'm not a religious person, nor do I follow any path of evil and I pray sometimes, so I would like to believe that I'm leaning much nearer to the light than to anything else. My dream about his calling though also put me on edge, until I finally gave up trying to figure it out and simply went with my lover on his theory that it pertained more to the book I just finished reading about the two Boleyn sisters (Queen Anne was beheaded being accused of witchcraft and I did get the feeling at the end that maybe she was not only insane, but evil herself). Last night though...there really is no excuse.

Dreams can be a reflection of thoughts jumbled into a nonsensical mess leaving us to sort out every little meaning and try to edge away from the secret fears they bring out in us. I don't have nightmares as much as I used to lately, the past two nights being an exception from last years series that went on for two weeks. But I think that if I have another one tonight I'm going to start going to bed anxiously and maybe will be getting less sleep just as I did last year....maybe it's time to sleep with the tv on for a while.

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