Blindsided, the end of you and me

So let me tell you about what happened yesterday. I was blindsided completely. I sit her.e, knowing some of the things going on in my previous relationship but not for once doubted my ex lovers loyalty to me, shows how wrong I apparently was...

There was an arguement two days ago that we couldn't really finish and work out the details of, actually it was more like a slightly hostile negotiation I'd say....anyhow...so we postponed the rest of it until one of us came up with a solution the next day. During the night, I spend a few hours thinking about everything we talked about. I was upset going to bed, I had been crying before with nobody to wipe them away, so I decided to sleep on the sofa. We both needed some space.

I wake up the next morning and go back into the bedroom to lay down and make peace between us. I look up and notice he's changing his passwords. "what are you doing?" "I'm doing what I want to do"

...

"ok and what is that?"
"it's over"
"what? What's over?"
"it's over, I don't want to be with you I don't love you"

wow...I'm pretty sure you loved me the day before when you were sending me all those sweet texts and chasing my ass around the house, sure there was no love there. I'm sure you loved me when you were going on about how grateful you are that I will always take care of him no matter what is wrong and telling me I'm not just beautiful, but wonderful. Sure, whatever gets you the fuck by.

I packed my things and moved in with my godmother. It's nothing at all I planned for or anticipated. I put so much blind faith in the simple fact that no matter what the problem was, we were both in love enough to be adult about it and say "hey we fight, but we can work it out also because we love each other", apparently not though, apparently he's too much of a coward hiding behind the mask of a tough guy attitude.

My godmother could feel the confusion and heavy despair pouring off of me, I have to say nothing she just knows. She loves me. She pulls out the margarita mix and says we're going out. Alright I think, good stuff. She invites a few people, a few funny people. I'm surrounded all of a sudden by smiling faces and a few bottles of beer that I never drink in front of me with no labels (sexually frustrated I hear). It dawns on me at that moment that everyone is looking at me, I realize it's not because I'm making an ass of myself or because I sing so badly (I didn't by the way) but because everyone is curious about who I am. A few people approach me to tell me "I'm sorry but you are so beautiful", I'm flattered, I'm speechless. I didn't realize that until that point my confidence had reached a low point, it wasn't something I had even considered that maybe to that one person I might be nothing, but there is no shortage of men that think I definitely am.

Her friend assures me that should I decide that I would like to start dating, any number of men would be at my beck and call. What an interesting thought, and a true one at that if I think about how it was before him. I let this thought help me to gather my inner strength. The world doesn't end here, it can only continue for me, because more than one person definitely thinks that what I have to offer is worth fighting for, is worth sticking together through, is worth getting to know.

I won't just stop loving him overnight, because unlike him I can't cast off unwanted feelings so easily. But....it's a start.