Who knew that today we would look back at tomorrow and laugh? Who knew that we could cry so much?
The degree of my sadness is not limited by the boundaries of my heart. I'm overflowing in what I can only describe as a waking nightmare in which I only hope to go back to sleep and forget all of this. Coping with life as it is can be one thing, dealing with something taken away is another. I'm not speaking on death though I'm sure many people will tell me that this could be the worst case scenario. But there is peace in death, there is no cure for the living.
I've been praying alot the past few months. I pray to god every night to please help me. I tell him I'm not specific about how, if he could just point me in the right direction I'd be thrilled because I would put all my faith in the simple fact that he's going to take care of me. I ask him sometimes to help me get a job, or maybe sometimes to let one of these charities to come through, or just...make something happen. Help me to lay out a plan out of this.
So when the fed ex package comes to my door I am surprised but I feel maybe he has finally heard my prayers in the form of one of the many charities I applied to coming through. Only the accounts of today has set me on my heels.
We managed to get the house that is in the perfect location. The one with enough room for all of us that is ten mins from my lovers work, 20 from school, and 30 from my mother. We put out all the money for the application and background checks, told our landlord of our plans and have just been waiting to have the money in hand so that we could do it and get out from under this umbrella with no cover. The move would save us so much in gas money as well as be pretty close to a few of jujus dr's and school. The amount we saved in gas would be our savings. The location of the house was also unlimited as to the number of jobs I could aquire. I can't tell you how many restaurants, hotels, office buildings and whatnot are packed into this area but getting to them if we lived there would be no problem at all. My lover would not receive a ride to work from a coworker that lives close to us (the one house that we argued over is about 4mins from the new one), so I could have the car during the day to get back and forth to work at any of the places in the nearby radius...which was ALOT. Getting a job would be no stress, and not having to worry about our hours conflicting with each other would also be a problem we had no longer. Now not only have we saved money in gas, we would also have another income again.
Today I got a call from the realtor to tell us that she would like to offer us the house to rent, that the owner was elated for us to come live there (our references are impeccable, especially from our previous landlords). Only also...today I checked my bank to see a returned item fee for a check that the funds were not there to clear. Upon calling the charity personally to see if I had made a mistake, I find out that I was a victim of a scam. Somehow, in applying like crazy to jobs I've managed to send my resume to someone that used the info from it for nefarious purposes, sending me a check looking like a charities contribution (the fact that I had actually applied to many only being completely coincidental and making my case even the more sadder). I'm not exactly sure what the scammers got out of all of this, though I know the woman I talked to on the other end was glad that nothing worse had happened to me in all of this. She said she was sorry that it did happen, especially to someone in my situation. I turned over all of my info and that of the incident to her and am expecting a few other phonecalls soon as well.
I was so worked up for this. I keep telling myself that good things can happen if we just pray hard enough and have faith...but why let something like this happen to me and then..just make it out to be some mean joke? Now we are even more in debt then before, and the amount of debt will not stop coming because even if we have to go on living here...there is no way out of our bills that we must pay, there is no way out of the amount of expenses that we have, there is no way out of this hole that just keeps burying me deeper and deeper. I finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel, and without thinking I just broke loose as if hell was on my heels and ran for it only to find it was a prop set up so that I could run directly into it. I'm not even sure we can get by just this month alone now..what we had was tied up in this move, something that will not happen now because creating money out of thin air is impossible so that we can just get there.
I pray that we can just get to that point, I will take care of the rest. I'm the one with good intentions that just needs somebody to have a little faith in me.
This experience has left me numb and screaming inside all day long. I cannot put on a face of horror in front of the children, I cannot let anyone to see that such a small hope has scarred my heart. I feel I am a blind man aiming for his life to a target that is moving.
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