Diamonds and Complaints

The more facets the diamond has, the more brilliant the shine. I can say...I have too many facets to my personality though I'm sure the overall effect can be more gaudy than beautiful.



There is a deepness to me, for in my soul lies not only a poet but a lover of all things simple and complex. There is elegance in everything around me, and as I move from place to place I am comforted by the luxury of it all. Maybe nobody sees this, but I do. I can see it in many things that are old, that are worn, that are pristine, and even that are ugly. Maybe it is difficult to contain the inner warmth of them, and maybe most people just ignore it.

I'm quiet, yet I'm too loud. I'm mysterious yet I divulge all to one. I'm hot, cold, organized and a mess. I am a true paradox. I'll blame this mostly on being a Gemini. I can't help that I am so indecisive...I must think and make my choices based on not only what I understand, but what I can understand of every other angle on it. When another person changes their mind or action, mine does as well. The main glue sticks tightly however, and I'm bound by my loyalty in them.

I'm terribly flighty, though once I've made my loyalties clear I would rather martyr myself then change my stance. I listen to the underlying message, I note all of the small inconsequential things that nobody else does. My compliments are always impeccable and perfectly timed. My cards are always food that the heart can live off of for months because they hit so closely to the perfect feeling. My intentions are always noble, heartfelt, and sincere.

I am a diamond with many facets. Everyone either loves or hates me, there is no in between. Most try to understand me, and become lost in my confusion. There is no help for them and I am too busy by far to stop and think on it.

Ok so, now that my ramblings are out of the way ^_~ Let me update on today.

I had my talk with my lover about my anger, and was received no better then yesterday. Perhaps he is not angry until I speak on it, perhaps he has forgotten about it, but naturally I still very much am and most definitely have not forgotten anything.

Again I am called a liar, not for saying that I want my child but for telling him that he said that. I hate it when men do this. I have an amazingly well kept memory that can store info in it for years only to be pulled out at the drop of a hat and repeated verbatim (something that I took special classes for, because I can remember things like this easily which he most certainly knows mainly because of the simple fact he always tells me something strange or long like telephone numbers or..once his ss# in which I was not paying attention but remember to this day, even his first phone number that he had that he mentioned once telling a story, as well as all of his important info, his childrens, his fathers, and anyone else we have happened to have to use info for during the course of our relationship and yes...I can recall any and all of it at any moment neccessary). He knows this, he also knows that I would not stay so angry that I shudder when he is near for no good reason. Why he would again call me a liar for something that is quite apparently not made up is beyond me, and insults alot of who I am. I am not stupid by any means, nor do I care to tolerate silly mind games. I am not quite irritated by just this fact, and so am still angry, with new reasons to accompany the old now.

 So now, why in the world would I just not remember a conversation we had exactly when I can at any point in time always? That makes no sense. I repeated our conversation yesterday in the car and he told me I was making things up. MAKING THINGS UP? Are you kidding me? I hate liars, and I cannot stand for people to beat around the bush instead of getting straight to the point, why would I put myself in that category period? If I told any one of my friends this, they would immediately tell me he was trying to get out of being in the wrong, which is plain to see but still not right either. For something so bad, he should most definitely appologize for and hope that I have the decency to forgive him of it if he can change the fact that he spews crap out of his mouth whenever he's angry to try to hurt me.

So nothing changed from it. He still has no plans to help me find a place and has told me that now "It's all on me", that I should just get something I want because it's all about me anyways. It's not all about me...we made a list together. If it was all about me we would be moving into a place that had much cheaper rent right in between my mothers house and my sons school. I would be disregarding what he wanted in doing that and since I do care about how my lover feels and the things he wants, I only look for places that are as our list states. Why the hell is it so difficult for him? In getting that stupid house (which now...quite honestly I'm hating) there would be only one thing that would be close to what is on my side of the list and that's the yard, however even then I would not be able to lay out (his coworker lives across the street and I can see him now having a jealous fit about someone seeing me in a bikini. Even then, I would not be able to do much outside, as the yards were quite small but nice looking, definitely not a large area where either mine nor his children could play...

I'm almost at my limit with this stupid fight though, I feel like telling him to go rent the damn house for himself, by himself. He wants so badly to not care for what I need, then don't. If I have to take care of my own things then damnit I will, and I'll get only what I need for myself and juju period.

I told him I need someone to care about what I want also as to what they want. He told me I should go look for someone like that then. I'm sure he didn't mean that, but at the sametime maybe he is on the same path as before. Fighting against the fact that he loves me and has to be unselfish to be in a relationship period. Selfishness is one of his biggest flaws, and the one having the most trouble dealing with it is myself. I've learned all about sharing and dividing and doing things as a team in the past, but he's all about himself only and has had a hard time to learn to do things for us together. This drives me crazy despite how patient I'm being with it. Sadly, my lover does not know my heart well enough to know that eventually the burden on my heart will make it grow cold. I know myself too well, I have seen it happen many times before.

I really wish I could write about love and the way I feel for him, but lately it's so clouded by the big moving shadow of him that it's hard to do so. He calls me stifling today and says I am too much into his business. I do not see that there should be any his business nor mine specifically. We are a team, we are together, we should be one. He of course, will have his own things but I just do not agree with somethings that he brought up to throw at my face. For example, he says that he should feel it's ok to go and have a drink with his boys sometimes. Now, this is a perfect example of one of his word games. Saying it outloud like that seems easy and like I'm unruly, but what he has not said and never does in telling anyone else our disagreement is that said friends are all single, wild, perverted, troublemakers that would just as easily get him into big trouble (which they have done in the past) and not care for what it means for him. Who cares if it ruins his relationship because they decided to manhandle other women all night and he was there in the midst of it, messed up beyond belief and not remembering anything he did? They had a good time right? No, I'm not ok with it. I'm the one that after it's happened has to hear him appologize for it, I'm the one that has to suffer the broken heart, I'm the one that has to not be allowed to do exactly the same thing. I ask him, "to answer your question I'll ask one of my own, and you can use your own response as an answer". I go on to say "How would you feel if we lived across the street from ***, and I went out with her and my old girlfriends for girls night out?" "Oh well that's different, she tries to hook you up with other guys and wants you to help her hit on them, you guys go out dressed sexy and have men hitting on you always"..There is no difference. In his situation he would also be being hit on by many single women in these single bars they would go to, his buddys would use him as a wingman in hitting on a woman with a friend, and his friends always parade their single friends to him. NO DIFFERENCE WHATSOEVER! The only one different in our attitudes, is that I don't see it as right and he says I should trust him (perhaps that would be easier to do if we haven't already been down this road only to have him lose that trust...twice). In our relationship becoming serious, I left things like that behind. My friends that respected my being in a relationship stayed friends, and became friends of us instead of just "my girl".  My girls nights out became nights with him because he was by far too jealous to handle even my being at another friends house hanging out. All of a sudden now he has a problem that he can't do those same things he asked me not to do? Now all of a sudden it's ok for me to do those now that I don't have any of the same friends anymore and he does? Something is WRONG with that picture, and I'm very angry for it.

He tells me I'm being stifling and that I go through all o fhis things and pepper him with too many questions at the end of the day. I say that I have to ask him about his day and what goes on in his life because he NEVER tells me anything on his own. For that matter, I did get irritated yesterday upon seeing him post to his friends facebooks. I have to beg him to post to mine on Holidays like my birthday (which he didn't...by the way) and mothers day, just something nice which he always then proceeds to ask me to tell him what he should write. I WANT A FUCKING SUPRISE OUT OF IT!!! Something sweet, how hard is that?

ALSO! Do you know, I've had to teach him about buying cards. Every single holiday passed he has asked me to buy cards for his mother because I am perfect at it. I always know exactly what needs to be said. He asks me many times how I do this. I tell him, "what does your mother want to hear? What has happened in the both of your lives recently?" It must come from the heart and mean something to that person. That is what makes a good card received. I was truly surprised when he gave me a card for our anniversary, and with it being so close to this discussion I was elated to open it up. I was disappointed right off the bat because I noted it came from a gas station...and the card itself? It was vulgar and made me want to cry. I'm happy he got the card because that does count for something....but...is the only part I touch of him in his pants? Can I not even pull his heart strings a little in order for him to simply appreciate that I am at his side and always at his back?

I'm complaining alot now, I know. But as I've said before...this is where I can get it all out. There is nobody I can tell any of this to anymore. I have no real friends now thanks to my lover. I have no way of speaking to my mother and having her hate him.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't go on like this though. If he doesn't learn to appreciate me and care for what I want and need like I care for his then it's not going to work no matter how much we work on it. A relationship is not about one person, it's about two people. I've often loved this quote "Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction" because I really think it should be like that. It's not one person pointing in a direction and dragging the other behind.

I suppose we will give it the week to find out if it's worth the stuff it's made of or not. I can't keep on waiting forever, there has to be a time limit somewhere in this to say "enough is enough".