I get so tired and unhappy with myself for trying so hard sometimes. I am constantly on the lookout for advice, for words of encouragement, trying to follow my heart and do what I know is right....sometimes also doing what is not.
How does one distinguish from both paths? I am blamed for following advice and sometimes doing exactly what is expected of me, and then sometimes I am put on the spot for following my own heart. Where does one end and the other begin? How can I be true to myself and be humble enough to listen without emotion to something I know will make me unhappy.
I'm the only one in this that ever has any complaints, and those are all stemming from the fact that at the end of every action, I'm the one that got left behind. I'm the one under the bus. I'm the one that choked up everything inside of me to make any other number of people happy. So who do I talk to? There is nobody. I would love to have someone I could share my feelings with, someone I could come at angry or sad, happy or unfeeling and be understood that...at that moment it's just an emotion and there is no reason to react to it, maybe sometimes it's just nice to have someone put their arms around me and hold me for a little while. I'm too lonely for my own good.
I keep my friends out of the loop because they all have opinions. None of them can just listen without forming their own emotions towards whatever it is and offer no advice, just their companionship. I cannot talk to any of my family, because they will always use it against me except for my mother and godmother, who will do what they think is right for me if I don't pull myself out of whatever it is at that moment because they love me enough to do that. I couldn't talk to my mother anyhow, despite that I know she's went through everything I have been, mainly because I'm terrified any stress I put on her will just give her another heart attack...then I'd lose one of those that always will open their arms to me. My lover reverts to anger. Maybe hate is a better way to describe it. Bitterness. Maybe he should be my best friend, maybe sometimes he should be the one that enfolds me in his embrace, maybe sometimes he should be the one that understands...but instead it's my fault because I'm the one in the current emotion or situation period.
I used to hold everything inside of me, all of my true thoughts, my true feelings...I never let anyone get but so close to inside of my circle and even though only seen what I wanted them to. I was cold, but I was never hurt. Saying that, how could you not know it's wrong to keep yourself from ever truly loving and risking hurt? You can't. So, what did I do but make the change in myself that now makes me want to more so just not even go outside or wake up.
I think that he'd rather me be like that sometimes. Keep all my thoughts to myself and just be a pretty picture hanging on the wall. But you know? I do want to be loved for who I am, I really do. All my faults and in all of my glory, I want to be loved deeply. I'm too involved in this to pull myself out of it, I have too much time and too many other people that I've hurt along the way to now see this out. But in the end, if there is one, will I be happy? Or will I ever be able to look at myself in the mirror again?
It's not right for any one person to ask and not give in return. It's not right to put yourself out there to someone who refuses to do the same, who only can take and demand more in return and blame you for wanting even a little. I might put up a fight about it, but in the end who accomplished nothing? Who was heard? Did anything come out of it for me? Should I just not say anything and be unhappy to myself? Or should I try to point it out that...hey..there's a problem here but even then only make it worse by then being having someone angry at me, having someone to call me names, and sit alone for hours crying?
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