The confusion of a waking nightmare

I've been walking around in between some kind of dream in which there is no real escape. I can't hide the fact that my heart is so crushed I feel like I might just disappear at any moment. I smile through tears anyhow, though everyone around me feels the deepness of my despair, they only try to surround themselves around me in hopes to lessen it.

I'm not secluding myself in hopes of finding a spark to keep me going. I can sit here and give up hope, let my feelings consume me and become the void that I feel I am right now anyhow. Or, I can let each day that passes take it's natural course of events, and try to survive through it. I'm managing that somehow. I still wake up with tears dried to my eyelashes, I still go to bed and hug myself to try to keep it together. I doubt this will change anytime soon.

I can only place faith in the thought that maybe my solution and ideas to him will provide some relief. Any hope that I can have will enable me to flourish, but even the most beautiful flower needs care and a good soil to nourish themselves.

I'm too realistic for this to be easy, and have seen too much to let this pass. I know how rare it is, or was. I know that in my life, that thing is not something I will ever touch on again. One day my heart will move and the colors will return, but it will not paint a picture that inspires everyone into the warmth that derives from me. In facing the truth, I am at the same time condeming myself to a bleak outlook on what there really is out there for me.

I have no doubts as to my own worth, the line backs up a few blocks. There is no shortage of men and women that strive to be near me, that crave the chance to get close to my heart. I will let more in, because I believe that everyone can benefit from a mutual friendship, but that is all any of them are to me. My heart is too close to resembling a stone to hope that it will revolve around another.

Let me go back to sleep, and wake up to the realization that this all was a dream so I can turn over and kiss his face and let him know how much I truely love him.